left or right?

for 24 years of my life, or maybe i should start counting from the time i started building an awareness of myself, among all the months in a year, april has always been my favourite. the month starts with spreading the color of green -everywhere.. and after days go by, a blend of other colors accompany the beautiful and fresh green. and this is how it normally affects my mood throughout the month.. starts with good and ends with better.
spring has always brought joy, positive attitude, a mood of contentedness to me.. well, until this year.
for the first time in my life, in april, i feel most dispirited ever.
not only daunted, but also alone, down, failed and left out.
i can list a zillion reasons why, nevertheless i won't. because the problem is not a list of flawy aspects of my personal life, but me not being able to deal with any of it.
i feel like i have been struggling for such a long time and i just can't see anything in my life going in a direction to pull me out of this combat. nothing is getting better. there are of course some things i am grateful for, but i do mostly see new articles being added to my depressing list.
to be honest, i feel like being alone anyhow.
i don't have anything to share,
i don't want to share.
better off alone, down, failed and left out.